Nope, Can't Do It


Things I CANNOT do (for those of you who have a distorted view of my abilities):

I cannot for-the-life-of-me keep a fuschia plant alive. I try every year. Every spring I purchase a beautiful red and purple specimen and within six weeks it looks like this:

I cannot swallow sushi. I have made many attempts at this and am a dismal failure. Ditto for shrimp. I know, I know, who doesn't love shrimp? So sue me. And go eat a sardine. Oh, gross? Well, I can.

I cannot tell a joke all the way through. Punch lines elude me and important details escape me. That is why last night was so strange. I was very tired, and drifted off to sleep in my chair while Hubba watched TV. When we toddled off to bed at around 1am, I got a second wind and suddenly felt wide awake. I became sharp as a tack and rattled off four jokes in a row, without a stumble or missed line. My sleepy husband, whose back was turned to me in the bed, rolled over, incredulous, and stared at me like I was an alien.


I cannot speak French. Now, I know I'm not the only one around who can say that, but not everyone took French in all four years of high school AND minored in it in college. Say vray, sill voo play.


I cannot play the violin. Oh, I have one. I asked my friend's daughter to teach me a few notes. But I couldn't practice - every time I tried, the cat would come running, circle my feet repeatedly, meowing, and then sink her teeth into my ankles. Evidently she doesn't appreciate good music.


I asked my dear Hubba and Little Bubba for input on things I cannot do, and they're having altogether too much fun. They're rattling things off without taking a breath. Can't keep track of my keys...can't hang onto my cell phone...can't stand up for long without going sprawling...can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd (huh?)...can't read in a car...can't keep the checking account balanced...I'm starting to get a complex...


BUT this is kinda fun, so, to continue,


I cannot get all the way through a C.S. Lewis book (with the exception of the Narnia Chronicles). I have never read all of "The Screwtape Letters" - lots of attempts, though. I can't get past page 18 of "The Abolition of Man" and I've been wading more and more slowly through "The Pilgrim's Regress" which is sad, because I found it fascinating at first. Maybe I need to remove it from the bathroom. That may be the whole problem.


Which leads to another problem. There are two things I cannot seem to do without reading. One involves, um, the bathroom. The other is EATING. And it works in reverse, too (no, not the bathroom part), I cannot read without eating. No wonder I can't fit into my clothes.


In case you're curious (you, meaning my mother - who else would care?), currently on my bathroom shelf:

  • "The Summer Book" by Susan Branch. Recipes, garden tips, pretty watercolors of watermelons, pansies, adirondack chairs.


  • "The Shaping of England" by Isaac Asimov. If only I were as attentive to my haircolor roots as I am to my genetic ones.


  • "The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy." Some of us have to cheat a little to keep up with the smarties.


  • "Uncle John's Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader." Where else can I learn that I have 4,000 wax glands in each ear, or that Sweden consumes the most breakfast cereal (Melissa, are you Swedish?)


  • "The Art of War" by Sun-tzu. I don't know why. I just open it up anywhere and see if anything interesting pops out at me.


  • "Atom" by Isaac Asimov. Poor man, he refused to acknowledge God, yet marveled at the intricacies and order of the world around him.


  • "Pilgrim's Regress" by C.S. Lewis. Still workin on it...


  • "Spanish Phrase Book." Hey, I'm no quitter - there may be some language out there that'll click.


  • "Uncle John's Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader." You really can't have too many of his books. Did you know that non-dairy creamer is flammable? Or that King George II fell to his death off a toilet? (He was de-throned, if you will.)


  • "Winnie-le-Pooh Prends Son Petit-Dejuener" by A.A. Milne. Fortunately, it has pictures.

So there you have it. The narrow road ain't for perfect people, and for that I am grateful!

5 comments:

Modemom said...

Cheer up, O Ye Mothers of teenage girls who won't share anything personal about themselves. When they get to be forty and write a blog, not only you learn all kinds of obscure things about them, but they share it with the whole world wide web! :^)

Modemom said...

P.S. The things she CAN do and do very well would fill a book bigger than War and Peace. Those are the things I know her for and am thankful for everyday of my life. xoxoxo

BBC said...

Aw, that is so cute that your mom posted comments! (at least I THiNK that's your mom!) My mom doesn't even own a computer. And doesn't want to. *gasp*

You are so creative and funny! thanks for sharing. I have a blogspot blog too, but it's a "minor" blog for me; I have a daily one elsewhere that's only open to a circle of friends. My blogspot one is public. Hey, Jasmine and I made a video that I put on there!

Modemom said...

Congratulations on the successful change over to your new blog look. Darling new banner and nice and easy to read. Bethany's work?

Melissa said...

Absolutely original. And cute! Love it! Don't know if I am Swedish, but I can't trace my father's genealogy - so it is very possible!